As I run screaming back to Perl and my beloved DBI, wherein one can
actually use bind variables and fetch a hashref *at the same time* (and
without instantiating two extra objects for no visibly good reason)...

And yet while realising that I really do want to learn the PHO so I can
get jobs requiring PHP skills so I can convert them to mod_perl from
the inside or some such subterfuge...

I must needs now ask -- is there a way I can just somehow use Perl
modules and stuff in PHP so I can just use the friggin' DBI instead of
that convoluted mess they call mysqli and thus actualy do things right
and maintain good coding practices and such?